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| school for once is not that bad | | |
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i sat awake for hours last night. i felt so...dead. i sat there crying for what seemed like a life time, but i didnt notice i was crying until my pillow was completely soaked. i tried calling people, but noone would answer their phone. i was in a room with three other people, but i felt so isolated. so cold and alone. i never got to sleep. | | |
| i wish i had someone who was there for me. i have friends. lots of friends. but noone to love. one of my friends once told me that he thought love was what made me happy. and its true. love causes me so much pain and agony, but i like the pain. i feel so dependent on things. im dependent on my friends. im dependent on alcohol. im dependent on pills. im dependent on music. im dependent on poetry. there are just so many things im dependent on. its almost sickening. i think if i lost one more of my friends, i would lose all self control and you would see me in the evening capital for suicide. i only wish i would be able to hear what they said about me in the paper. if anyone cared. | | |
| a letter to my mother:
i hate you. you lied. this whole time you lied to me, behind your deep brown eyes and your pale white skin. you say you love me, but i know you only say it to convince me you really are my mother. but i know you arent, you silly little girl. ive known for a long time now. you cant make me do anything. you have no control over my actions. you wish you did. you arent my mother, you little whore. i dont know who the hell you think you are, but i KNOW you dont love me. everytime you scream at me, everytime you tell me im wrong and everything i do is wrong, i know you just want to yell out, "i hate you too, bitch" but i know you keep it inside you, i know you refuse to let yourself say it because you need to be able to say you love me. i'm all you have left. Shes gone, im an only child now. you cant hate her in place of me now. and now i see it. all those times you were sweet to me and kissed my forhead and told me it was all right, just so you could turn around and scream at her. she was my scapegoat. you couldnt yell at a baby, but im not a baby anymore. you yell at me, and you hurt me, and you take it all out on me...you hate me. and now i know it. but look now, whore, I FUCKING HATE YOU TOO! fucking ass hole, you stole me! you took my life away from me, you took Her away from me! you took everything i had away, and you make me suffer. you strangle me with your "love" and laugh at me as i try to fight back. well FUCK YOU. i'll be gone soon too. but its not fair. i have nothing left. my real mother is gone now. im alone. but solitude is sweet. a place where i can repair my self and work towards my revenge on the whore who stole me from my mother. fuck off and die, "mom". | | |
| my scars really hurt...i feel like a whore...everyone hates me now...i had forgotten how good it felt, to cut away all your imperfections, and to let your bad blood drip out... | | |
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